Army Men: Sarge's War
26th Sep 2004 | 15:26
I wouldn't buy it, you wouldn't buy it, but it seems that someone, somewhere, somehow would. Army Men: Sarge's War is here and my torrent of abuse, outrage and general uppityness starts... now.
Why? What's the point? You grab the licence, you dispense with the bargain-basement RTS stylings and you jam in a rudimentary third-person action engine. Fine, I understand all this - there's clearly money to be made from the slack-jawed idiots who buy Army Men games and it most definitely could have done with a lick of green paint.
But from a publishing point of view why make it a 16+ rated game with cut-scenes that feature oodles of melting plastic corpses when it is, by nature, such an obvious kids' game. From a developer's point of view, why include a camera and targeting system that is actually (with no element of reviewer overstatement) capable of making one physically nauseous. From a basic human angle, just why? Why God? Why?
No the maps aren't diabolical, no the cut-scenes aren't that bad and yes it is quite nifty the way melted green chunks get blown out of Sarge's body. But this is gaming at its most depressing - it's clear to man and beast that the controls of this game simply do not work and are no fun whatsoever. Why don't you just fix it? Or, perhaps, you could just STOP MAKING ARMY MEN GAMES. Stop the pain. Stop the madness. Make our suffering end. Please.