16th Mar 2005 | 12:19
If you've even a passing interest in the beautiful game, stop reading now. Seriously. EA's latest 'sport goes street' title is about as far removed from the real thing as it's possible to be without setting it underwater. Sure, other games under the same Street moniker adapt surprisingly well. However, basketball is a pastime that was born in the ghettos, not on a muddy field in ye olde England, and as such is infinitely better suited to these new urban settings. But why all this prejudice against what looks like a reasonably fun arcade title? Well, in the style of MC Harvey (who provides the laughably bad, cringe-inducing voiceover that manages to be both condescending to footy fans and alienating to just about everybody else)...
"Eh yo this is Harvey on a review tip; I'm gonna wax bout how this game is shit. For a start, yeah, da ball physics are all wack, the ball's glued to players feet and the dribbling's cack. The idea is keep the ball in da air, but random passing means it goes anywhere. Playas build up combos to bust a badass shot, but piss easy 'beat' moves instantly make your combo bar hot. Shootin's dead easy if you get the time, but your sluggish strikers can't even turn on a dime. Yo' slide tackles are meant to be ruff and heavy, but pussy-ass playas just collapse like jelly. When the opposition tricks you'll freeze like a fool, this is annoying and stupid and is way so not cool.
All the FIFA faces have got their mugs on screen - though if they'd played this first they wouldn't want to be seen. The single-player game is called Rule The Street, and makes playas pick a squad and other teams beat. Earn Skill Bills and points for nuff respeck, and you can buy new playas with which to flex. Multiplayer's not really much cop at all, and jus' like FIFA Street can't stand tall. Word."