Films of games: will they ever be good?
27th Apr 2007 | 09:22
It wasn't. It was fun for about 45 minutes... until everything went first-person. After that? Rubbish. Which raises the question: will there ever be a good game-movie?
It's Friday. Which means the weekend. Which means press-hot news is a bit thin on the ground, unless Ubisoft talking up their 07/08 games, Microsoft's Xbox division posting another loss, and Bethesda patching Shivering Isles gets you all a-quiver.
Which it won't do. Unless you like spreadsheets.
So, anyway. Last night my Sky subscription came in 'handy' while I was flicking through the channels and found Doom. Persuading the missus it would be worth a look was tougher than The Rock's mission to Mars, but eventually she came round based on two promises I made her:
1. It was a bit like Aliens, which she liked.
2. It had an amazing FPS section in it.
Well, it was a bit like Aliens. In fact, for the first 45 minutes, it basically is Aliens. Even The Rock's character is called Sarge. As in, Sergeant Apone. As in, "A day in the Marine Corp is like a day on a farm! Every meal's a banquet, every pay cheque's a fortune" etc etc. But then... slowly... slowly... things get a bit worse. First, when the 'story' is explained - then when the FPS bit turns up. Bloody. Nora.
The FPS section is terrible. Hideously bad. Like sitting on a ghost train at a carnival while men in rubber suits and plastic masks jump out at you. And then it's all rounded off by a face-off with a helldog... in a wheelchair. As for the ending... A fist fight? In a movie based on marines and big guns? COME ON!
Of course Doom never did have a very good story which might explain the brainlessness of this adaptation, but Resi Evil definitely did and that was rubbish too. Which makes us think, what hope others?
Hitman? It's got a good cast, exotic locations but it's written by the guy who did Swordfish. Pete thought Swordfish was good. But he forgot the bit where Hugh Jackman hacked into top secret servers, STANDING UP AT HIS KEYBOARD, while trance music played in the background.
Kane & Lynch? Who knows.
World of Warcraft? How is that even going to work?
Gears of War? Space marines with guns versus an alien force. See: Doom.
And we haven't even mentioned Postal, Far Cry, Bloodrayne 2 and Alone in the Dark 2 yet, all directed by a Mr U Boll.