Army of Two

Misery loves company...

As anyone who's read the Bible (or as is more likely, seen Governor Arnold's End of Days) will tell you, the Devil comes in many forms. Sometimes he's a little boy named Damien, sometimes he's a girl whose head can turn a full 360 degrees, and sometimes he's under deep, deep cover as a videogame. Metallica lied to you - 666 isn't the number of the beast; two is, and the Devil has an army.
We were all set to review Army of Two this issue and had been playing a very complete beta in preparation for the arrival of the finished code, only for EA to pull the game weeks before its November release. It's probably for the best, since we were all geared up to stove its face in.

Army of s**t
At various points throughout the last year, we've looked at the game and felt a sense of heart-warming optimism for a title that should have plugged the gap between Gears of War and Gears 2 very nicely. But like Disneyland, professional wrestling and hardcore pornography, the reality is far less pleasing than the fantasy.

We're accustomed to being offended by bad games, but it's not often we find ourselves objecting on a moral level. Not even Manhunt's lead nutcase revels in murder to the extent of Army of Two's infantile high-fiving redneck jackasses whose every action is based on some right-wing idea of how great the war on terror is. One minute, the game will throw in a bit of lefty politics ("We'll never find Osama; this war is all about oil") and the next you're gunning down row after row of generic suicide bombers and facing religious fundamentalists who call you and your 'bro' "F***ing infidels" before blasting you with a grenade launcher.

As it stands, Army of Two is a juvenile swear-fest with clumsy controls, a story apparently penned by a seven year old who hates them ay-rabs, laughable level design that tosses you into a cut-scene every thirty seconds, sub Perfect Dark Zero graphics and the two least likable characters in gaming history. We'd rather play as a Bubsy the Bobcat/Raiden from Metal Gear Solid tag-team than these two douchebags. The delay is a stay of execution. It has four months to get even vaguely good. Hope for a miracle.