Bloated from a year of excess and wastefulness, it's time for everyone to make a change for the better - games industry included. Here are our dream resolutions for 2008.
1. Leave our bodies alone
Already supplying ample insult ammo to local kids with our placid skin and crooked backs, it dismays us to see games, our only friends, turning against us.
2. Give people their five-a-day
You're unbalanced! You're dumb! Your skin has poor elasticity denoting general ugliness! No longer can we hide behind our styluses - for one, we're too fat.
3. No flicks to jump
If a game revolves around one particular action, don't make us flick the remote to do it. A) it's a one-way trip to RSI-ville, and B) it's about as precise as attempting advanced calligraphy with a Spirograph. Yes, we're looking at you Pirates Of The Caribbean.
4. Say no to neigh
We've stared at more digitised horse-faces than a jockey in The Matrix; Horse Life, My Horse and Me, Pony World, Pony Friend, Horsez, Pippa Funnell - you name it, we've fed it, groomed it and branded its ass with a cruel CW. How about some variety? 'My Platypus and Me'. 'Crocodile World'. 'Giraffez'.
5. Give us our fill of fil(S-Amie)
Probably the most charismatic man ever to use a pie chart to explain the gender demographics of an installed user base, Nintendo of America's president, Reggie Fils-Aime, would make the perfect gaming hero. We envision a Boogie-esque karaoke game in which you have to deliver annual finance reports in as Reggie a way as possible.
6. More terrifying DS games
Like the vicar's daughter that secretly loves to egg the old peoples' home, the DS hides plenty of darkness within its dainty exterior. Dementium proves that wheelchair-bound loons can exist alongside Kirby and Nintendogs - just be sure they never meet face-to-face. You know, for the loon's sake.
7. Try something different
Hey distributors, just spotted a mad Japano-game that revolves around slapping dolphins with rolled up issues of Famitsu? Don't just leave it stinking up the place on playasia.com; get it into our local GAME. It's gotta be ten times more interesting than 'Madden's NFL v NBA Golf Smackdown: FIFA Edition 2009'.
8. Jazz up your sport licenses
Another year, another round of NBA, NFL, FIFA and Woods with nowt changing but their yearly numeral winding up like the world's slowest odometer. How about next year you just shove them all into one game. 'Madden's NFL v NBA Golf Smackdown: FIFA Edition 2009'. It'd sell billions.
9. Show the zapper some love
What do 67 run-throughs of Ghost Squad give you, other than confusion over whether or not the old lady who walks her dog outside your flat is actually a polygonal terrorist in disguise? An almost unhealthy bond with the Zapper, that's what. We've gunned a billion badduns and we'll gun a billion more - House Of The Dead is a great start, now give us Virtua Cop and Time Crisis.
10. Delete brown from your colour palette
2007 was the murkiest year ever. 'Medal of Honor: Brown 2', 'The Subdued Princess', 'Murky Prime 3', 'Need for Speed: ProDrab' and 'Dave Mirra's Brown Challenge'. Blazing Angels even had a level where you piloted a lump of brown through a giant mass of brown. Sit down with Galaxy and start taking notes.