Good afternoon folks, and welcome to the first ever edition of SixAxis Sunday. I'm your host, Richard Keys, and I'll be tackling some of video games' biggest issues each week alongside the linesperson Lothario himself, Andy Gray. (Albeit in a completely fictional construct which neither the real life Richard Keys or Andy Gray have endorsed or contributed to - and which does not represent their actual thoughts or opinions in any way.)
RK: First things first. As you've no doubt read in the papers, Andy and I have controversially exited jobs we love in the world of football, due to a sexism furore over at Sky Sports.
AG: Furore. Great player.
RK: Happily, CVG has taken us under its wing. I'm very glad, because they've explained there are no dark forces at play in the video games industry.
AG: Aye. Except Star Wars: Dark Forces. It deserves a new sequel, LucasArts.
RK: I want to say that Andy and I have completely learnt our lesson about the things we were recorded saying back at Sky. It was poor form and a bad representation for the game of football. We fully wish to make amends for our outdated comments, and the fast-paced, achingly modern environment of video games seems the perfect place to change our ways. So, Andy, what's caught your eye this week?
AG: The ladies.
RK: Come now. Banter! Haven't you been checking out PlayStation Home?
AG: Aye, that's right. It's been a real eye-opener for me. Has taught me a few life lessons.
RK: Really? Sounds rehabilitative.
AG: Especially when your avatar is a 18-year-old-girl. I'll tell you, Rich, there's no classical woo-ing in there; no "just tuck this in for me love" romance. It's a bloody bear pit.
AG: Oh yes, son. It's all Italian men surrounding you, restricting how far you can move. It gives you an oddly physical sense of intimidation in a virtual world. Refreshing.
RK: Erm, good. Unlike the sexist world of football though, it sounds like an ironic expression of post-feminist ideals.
AG: That'll be it, aye.
RK: Talking of refreshing perspectives, I've been boning up on the thoughts of David Jaffe, who I understand is one of the most successful, revered developers of his generation.
AG: Can we say boning?
RK: Context, Andy. Context. Sky HR explained it all to us, remember?
AG: Yep. Yep yep yep. No problem. Context.
RK: Jaffe is a very interesting fellow. He's a bold titan of language; a trailblazer of inter-gender diplomacy. Like when he this week compared Sony's new PSP, the NGP, to "fresh vagina".
AG: That's not on though, right? You know I struggle with this, so forgive me if "context" has eluded me again. But surely even a woman could understand that's offside.
RK: Will you never learn man! He's not stuck in the prehistoric universe of kicking a bit of leather around a field! He's an auteur of a new-age artform! This isn't sexism; it's bravery.
AG: Oh, aye. With you. Okay.
RK: Anyway, when Jaffe said that "new hardware is like new p**sy", it really put football's faux-philosophy in the shade. I mean, Cantona's "seagulls" guff is primary school nonsense compared to this level of sophisticated nuance, wouldn't you agree?
AG: Wha... really? Erm. Yep. Whatever you say.