Transfer deadline day: Dream video game deals
31st Aug 2011 | 12:32
As anyone who regularly watches GCSE-light gazillionaires thump a cow hide about will know, today is transfer deadline day in the UK Football League.
And if there's one thing even more prevalent on televised football than the Beautiful Game's philosophers using "y,know" as punctuation, it's wild speculation about who's buying who.
Oooh! Harry Redknapp's wearing a purple tie. That's Gareth Barry's favourite colour!
Wow! Fernando Torres has been spotted falling out of a Limo in Skegness. Apparently, he missed the kerb.
Gasp! QPR's Joey Barton is Tweeting Smiths lyrics which suggest he's feeling melancholy and alone. (Of course he is, he's a Smiths fan...)
But what of our own superstars in the video games kingdom? Which high-profile big money moves would best benefit your favourite developers?
In the spirit of transfer deadline day's frantic goings-on, we've come up with some of our dream gaming swapsies. If only...
Peter Molyneux to Media Molecule
Even Insane Penis Rage himself has recently admitted that Fable III didn't live up to his lofty ambitions - so he must be extra envious to see his protégés at Media Molecule soak up the accolades for their spectacular LittleBigPlanet series.
A return for the old master to his Lionhead alumni at Sony's family-friendly house of genius would no doubt give the series an extra twist of the quintessentially English, and a real boost in the script department. Also, he knows John Cleese.
On the flip side, Media Molecule's amiable, considerate crew might just temper Peter's more outlandish promises to the press...
Possible downside: Does LBP really need anatomically correct genitals?
David Cage to Rockstar
There may have been a bit of a verbal scuffle between Cage and Team Bondi over who puts the finest motion in gaming's ocean, but it was clearly interactive entertainment's answer to hair pulling in the playground.
Rockstar has long been the king of the open-world genre, and took a big step towards in-game subtlety by working with Bondi on L.A Noire. But what that experience had in facial detail, it almost ballsed up in pacing.
Step forward Cage; a man so masterful at metering gaming plot and participative emotion, he almost convinced us that Heavy Rain's implausible saga made perfect sense.
A GTA V that stimulates our tear ducts as much as our Tony Montana fantasies? A Red Dead Redemption that pulls the heartstrings as much as its bucking steeds? Go on then.
Possible downside: The Housers would have to keep Cage away from those sex scenes. Shudder.
Vince Zampella and Jason West to DICE
Now we're talking. If EA's top priority with Battlefield is simply to rattle Activision's cage - and let's be honest, at times that's seems mighty true - then this would surely be the signing of the summer.
The men who created Modern Warfare working on its greatest (and bitterest) rival? Forget the injection of Hollywood production or the explosive rhythm of the campaign - it'd make for one hell of a poster tagline...
Possible downside: The small matter of EA being embroiled in West and Zampella vs. Activision in the US Supreme Court already...
David Jaffe to Infinity Ward
Sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire. Jaffe will always be known as the man who delivered God Of War and Twisted Metal and changed 'core gaming' forever. More recently, he's been making noises about self-financing an indie game (once he's finished resurrecting Sweet Tooth et al on PS3).
But we'd love to see him drafted in as a risky addition to the ageing Modern Warfare series. He can tinker with a mum-bamboozling iPhone distraction in his spare time - but we'd want him saving his finest for CoD.
Jaffe's always been at his best when it comes to balls-out, no-holds-barred and - yes- dumb action sequences. He could just provide the impetus the slothful MW series seems to require so badly.
At the very least, he'd inject a much-needed dose of fire into those wooden Infinity Ward media interview slots...
Possible downside: Activision tells us it wants to move away from combative tit-for-tat arguing with EA. Jaffe's passion might just boil over. But it'd make for brilliant reading...
J Allard, Ed Fries and Robbie Bach to Nintendo
Heresy! Traitors! Burn them!
All words you might have spat at us had we suggested this ten years ago. But a lot of water has passed under the bridge since the men who turned Xbox and Xbox 360 into consumer electronics behemoths first lent their synapses to Microsoft. One thing that hasn't changed, however, is Nintendo's over-complicated and clunky online fumblings.
If Iwata, Miyamoto and co. are to remain a true major player in modern gaming, they are going to have to learn how to get connected - and quick. Who better to teach them than the brains behind Xbox Live?
Possible downside: Just think of the forum comments.
Markus 'Notch' Persson to Bethesda
Okay, so a little legal reconciliation would be in order before these two even got to talking. But what Notch doesn't know about building a networked, communicative community isn't worth knowing.
Currently, the Elder Scrolls series is the preserve of the locked-bedroom-don't-talk-to-me-for-a-year mob, thanks to its incredibly appealing single player charms. But for the franchise not to have made an online move by now is a technological sore point, and an insider concern for Bethesda.
The franchise's potential as single-player-turned-MMO is perhaps only matched by Mass Effect, whilst its Minecraft-esque modding opportunities are bountiful. We'd love to see what Notch's ingenuity could add to one of gaming's prettiest - and most expensive - game worlds; and whether he's the man to unlock its incredible pluralist potential.
Possible downside: Elder Scrolls is all about lifelike lushness. Notch might just want to make it blocky.
Which developer transfers would you like to see, readers? Let us know in the comments below...